5 things your boyfriend isn't telling you.

“You’ve gained 15 pounds since we started dating.”
Now we all know we get comfortable when we’ve been dating someone for awhile but there’s no need to completely let yourself go. Yes, I love eating too and you do it twice as much when there’s two of you, but honestly, hit the gym. I know he says he likes you a little thick but there comes a point when it becomes too much work getting the milkshake through the straw. Lose a few el bees and give him something to look at and chances are he’s gonna wanna look good for you too cause a few years from now you don’t want your friday night to consist of editing your audition tape for The Biggest Loser: Couples Edition.

“sweat pants aren’t sexy pants.”
I know you love your PINK collection baggy sweats and Uggs but DO NOT step out of the house with them on or spend every day in them no matter how many two-toned pairs you own. They are for lounging and doing homework only. So if you’re doing any of those things excessively with your boyfriend well….im sorry.

“if I see another Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigl movie I am going to shoot myself.”
Ladies. Now I might be a little bias with this one because personally I don’t think Jennifer Aniston and/or Katherine Heigl movies should make it into production, but by some act of God they keep getting made and you girls keep watching them. But your guy does NOT want to see those types of films. The only movies he wants to see that cast women in leading roles (beside Angelina Jolie) he’s already got on his computer. See those movies with your girlfriends and if you really wanna surprise him take him to see the new Jason Statham movie. (ok this one is totally bias)

“I want you to get your hands dirty.”
Take off your hello kitty studded acrylics and toughen up. I know they cost you $50 every two weeks but save that money one week, buy a campsite, go for a hike and get down and dirty (on all levels). I’m not saying you gotta go all butch and spit lugees on each other (which i don’t recommend in any circumstance) but show him you’re adventurous and can handle some dirt under your nails…don’t worry happy nail will always be there waiting for you.

“please shut up.”
Believe me, this probably comes up in his head more often than you think. Now im all for openness and honesty and being there for each other…but when the games on, NO. he doesn’t want to hear about what Tiffany was wearing to work or what James and Lauren did last weekend. That’s what girls’ ears were made for, anatomically speaking they can hold more volume and words than their male counterparts. So bottle that noise up and call up your girlfriend.

4 things i hate about school.

(cause i couldnt think of 5)

When your professor pronounces “library”, “li-BARY”. Go to the fucking “libary” and check out a dictionary or I will have to go to the Dean and petition to have your illiterate ass fired.

When people wear pajamas. It’s not 5^th grade spirit week, so go back in your closet and dress like an adult. And while im on it, its not crazy hair day either…run a brush through that thing.

When people don’t know how to take roll. Your name is Jessica Z. and it has been since the first day of kindergarten. You know you are always called last for roll and your number was always 32. So why the HELL are you answering for Jessica B. two seconds into roll call?! Now everyone is confused on which Jessica is which and all your classmates hate you.

When people ride Razors. Nuff said.