Don't You Know How to Get Girls?

okay. i'm writing this blog to help all my bros out there. i've seen you try to get girls or have heard you talking about how complicated we are. but honestly we're not that complicated. so ive decided to break down into some easy steps just how to not only get, but keep, a girl's interest and attention.

(Steps #1-3 will require the most effort but dont worry, after these, your efforts will be minimal.)

Step #1. Make the Initial Contact.
You see her from across the room. Go up to her. If youre decent looking she has probably already noticed you and waiting for you to come up to her and buy her a drink (which you might wanna do, you know, just in case youre not that good looking and/or funny *side note: being good looking and/or funny are always good pre-steps). I know at this point the circle of girlfriends she has around her looks like a giant ring of fire surrounded by flesh eating heynas but really theyre most likely just retards who are 2 drinks deep and complaining about their crappy love lives. so just go up and ask her if she'd like a drink and start talking. hopefully things are going well with your conversation and if she isnt a complete heartless loser she'll give you her number and thank you for the drink.

Step #2. Make the Initial Phone Contact.
If she has any respect for herself she wont text you first. So text her the next day to a week later depending on how much she sparked your interest. Now, don't text just a "Hi", it makes you look gay. Text something that requires an answer back but not a question like "Hows your day going?" cause we know you dont care. Base the question on the conversation you had when you first met. Refer to something that is relevant.

Step #3. Ask Her Out.
Ask her to go out and grab a drink. Nothing fancy. NO dinners and NO movies. Dinners are like the fast lane to Boresville. You will go back and forth asking questions about school, work and family. You might as well just ask for her resume. And movies dont give you the chance to talk and most likely she'll want to see some rom-com that stars Jennifer Aniston and then you'll just end up resenting her. Just go out for a drink and keep it light and fun. Make good conversation and again...be funny.

Step #4. COMPLETELY IGNORE HER.
Yeah your date was good but thats not important. What's important is that you stop talking to her. If she texts you, dont text back right away, wait like a few hours or maybe even a day to reply. She'll go crazy for you, trust me. She's probably with a girlfriend going on about your date and how you havent text her back yet and how she's wondering if you didnt get the text and contemplating re-sending you another one, not to mention questioning her self-confidence. By now she has probably lost the respect for herself that held her back from texting you first. If she texts you to hang out again make sure you let her know you'll hang out on YOUR time and by YOUR rules. i mean, youve got stuff to do right? it's NOT about her, its about YOU.

Step #5. Use Social Networking to Your Advantage.
If you are facebook friends with her, posting pictures with other girls is vital to getting her attention. Change your profile picture or post a wall photo with you and some chick that looks like Adriana Lima's second cousin. Again, she is going CRAZY for you right now, i wouldnt doubt it if she's crying to her friends and eating her feelings at this exact moment. Oh man, you've GOT her. And if you can throw in a status about how much you love one of your other girl friends or check in at a bar with 17 other chicks youre GOLDEN. You might as well start having your friends call you Mark Wahlberg because you are THE MAN.

Step #6. Send Mixed Signals.
Oh yeah she's gonna love this. Be super charming and nice and funny and sweet when you go out with her and treat her like a princess when you see her. Then again refer to Step #4 immediately after you drop her off. She's probably on cloud 9 on her Hello Kitty bed spread thinking about how great you are and planning your holidays together. But you know whats up...ya bro.

Step #7. Start Dating Other Girls.
This is the final step. Now that you are an expert in how to get girls repeat these steps and juggle as many girls as you can handle, the sky's the limit. Just remember to follow these simple steps. Its easy and ive told you everything you need to know about getting girls. See we're NOT that complicated.


I know this post is not helpful to girls so I've written the steps you need to take to get guys as well.

Step #1. Be hot.

Good Luck!

My Most Hated Facebook Posts.

ok i recently read an article online about the most annoying facebook status updates and i was inspired to address the ones i found most annoying.

The Weather.
"omg its raining!!!!!! i love it!!!!"
ok i know its fucking raining you dont need to update me via facebook status. and frankly i can give a crap if you love the rain or not. but thank you so much for your insight about the weather Dallas Raines without your facebook update i would have never been able to look outside and see that my entire backyard is flooded.

Your Awesome Boyfriend.
"i have the BEST boyfriend in the BEST city in the BEST world EVER!!!"
ok thats nice. what am i supposed to do with this information? post that shit on his wall, we dont need to know. and if he were the best boyfriend ever he'd make you delete that post faster than he can say "im breaking up with you".

Your Crappy Love Life.
"blah blah blah...taylor swift lyrics...blah blah blah."
oh you poor thing. im sorry that you find comfort and relate to a teenage girl who got dumped by John Mayer & Jake Gyllenhaal (the two hottest & funniest guys on this planet). but you need to stop sharing your depressing sentiments because theyre not helping any other guy on facebook want to date you. you might as well call Taylor Swift our generation's Jennifer Aniston cause there aint no way shes gonna find a husband with all that whining she calls a hit record. so suck it up and move on. cause most likely that guy youre writing about has moved on as well.

Your "Busy" Life.
"ahhhhh!! so much to do today! im so busy! busy busy busy."
c'mon. seriously? we all have lives. just because you are busy it does not make you important. and since you have all sorts of shit to do why the hell are you on facebook? no one cares that youre busy or about the millions of chores and errands you claim to have. learn to manage your time and stop wasting ours.

General, Vague, and Pointless Thoughts.
"i dont know what to do about this, uhhhh"
wtf? well i sure as hell dont know what to do either if you keep posting pointless crap. facebook is NOT an outlet for your unclear thoughts and emotions. so either step up and ask for advise or buy a journal, it'll cost less than your dignity.

In Conclusion:
Facebook posts should be something of value. Believe me, I've written my share of annoying facebook posts and statuses. But take this into account next time you lay your fingers on the keyboard: "Can i think of 3-5 people that will like this status?" Cause if not, everyone is probably wishing they had the "dislike" button option and/or has already hidden you from their news feed.

happy posting!

soo it's valentine's day.

ok. its valentines day. now im pro-love and all but im anti-valentines day. if anything i think valentines day is only fun for singles. we get to drink and go out while suckers are out there dropping bills on broads that probably dont deserve it and whined their way into a fancy dinner. and for us single ladies, it is like the unofficial "Lets get creeped on by guys who are afraid of commitment and/or are over the age of 45 and work construction" day. i mean what chick is NOT down for that. sign me up. and unless youre either completely single or fully committed its always awkward if you just start talking to someone before valentines day. its like "oh crap, am i gonna have to spend money i dont have on this chick i hooked up with and started talking to 2 weeks ago?" or "oh, i wonder if he'll ask me to do anything for valentine's day? i mean we have kissed and he texts me like 3.5 times a week....mhhmm." (the .5 being the 2 in the morning drunk booty call, cause those are never worth a lot.) so. heres my valentines day break down by gender and relationship status.

single guys: best day ever. i get to have an extra excuse to go out and drink with my friends, and save my hard earned tip money, while all the single ladies are out drowning their sorrows with vodka redbulls.

single ladies: its all good. i have an excuse to go out and drink with my only two single girlfriends and get hit on by the same creeps that were gonna hit on me this weekend anyway.

non-single guys: fml. i have to spend all my hard earned money on my chick just so she can be seen by people she doesnt even know and will never see again only to try to prove to society she is worth something because she found my dumbass to take her out on valentines day. aaaannnd i probably wont even get laid.

non-single girls: oh. em. gee. really? these flowers? i specifically asked for fuchsia NOT magenta. and babys breath? really Trevor? did you pick these up from stater bros. while you were already running 15 minutes late to pick me up? now everyone at The Cheesecake Factory will have 15 minutes less to see us. dont even think you are getting any tonight. ugh hold my purse. lets go.

now maybe my view on valentines day is a little cynical and if youre in an awesome relationship and valentines day doesnt have to be some big production and you can chill with a six pack and watch Transporter 2 (my v-day date of choice btw) then more power to you. just keep things real and love will find you and all that good stuff they brainwash us with in movies like 57 dresses or whatever.

feel the love. happy valentines day all!